|WHY DID YOU HURT ME THIS WAY|
Like Aladdin and the King of Thieves, I actually had a little bit of nostalgia for Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas. Unlike Aladdin and the King of Thieves is EVERYTHING ELSE.
Okay, before I really start ranting about oh, I don't know, EVERYTHING, let me give you the setup: It's December 24th and Belle wants to have Christmas and the Beast doesn't and his organ (...) has a big gay crush on him so the organ (named Maestro, voiced by mmmmmmmTim Curryyyyyyeeeeesssss) plots to assassinate Belle, despite his inability to, you know, move.
That is the plot. That is the entire plot.
The movie starts off with the framing device of that cute teacup Chip as a less-cute human boy running around annoying people in the palace on Christmas. Then Bert and Ernie get into their zillionth dick-measuring contest about whatever, and everyone begs Mrs. Potts to tell them the story of what happened exactly one year ago, even though all of them were around for it and as far as I can tell do not have Alzheimer's.
|"NOW we will hear what REALLY happened" because we|
all suffer from retrograde amnesia! But only enough so that
we know we don't know stuff!
|It's law in California that Tim Curry have an orgasm in every movie.|
there's more to this time of year than sleigh bells and hollymistletoe and snowthose things come and gomuch deeper than snowstronger than the strongest love we'll know
Okay so my nostalgia is an idiot.
There's also a really, really bad song sung by Maestro that's almost a rap? "Love can take the greatest heart and make it tame. If you're turned on, then just turn off!" Uncomfortable and painful - bonus!
And then Belle writes Beast a book to reward him for dumping all over everybody. The song that accompanies this is kind of fascinating, because for some weird reason it references EVERYTHING, a practice that Disney isn't usually big on.
|LITERAL Reading Rainbow!|
|A whole new world of emotional abuse!|
|Oh hey, Disney owns the copyright to Narnia.|
|Belle is writing this. Did I mention that? So I guess this|
shows that Belle's canonical age is meant to be 13?
|"Stories about heroes/who overcame their deepest sorrows"|
Are you sure you want to match that myth with that lyric?
Did I mention the time span of this movie is two days?
Beast is downstairs (?) listening to Maestro make creepy innuendos at him, because I guess the Beast is into that. "She doesn't care about you, not like I do." I sure hope not. Then they have a simultaneous hallucination of the Christmas before and the creepy gets dialed up to 11. THIS IS NOT MY FAULT.
|"Lumiere, you gave me a stupid storybook? You call this a|
present?! You'd better have something better for me, Forte!"
|"Ah, yes master, of course." Why is he blushing?|
Christmas Creeptacular '18 is disturbed by a knock at the door! Who could it be? Ew, an ugly old hag. No, wait! It's... it's...
|"I am the spirit of Jem. I am truly truly truly outrageous|
and I'm going to punish all of your employees
for your bitchiness."
|But I wish I was. Oy gevalt!|
|Never before have my feelings been so aptly expressed by a boiler.|
Chip: "Yay Christmas! I'm so excited about Christmas! If Christmas was canceled I'd murder everyone in their sleep!"
Belle: "Oh Chip, the Beast canceled Christmas. And he's so dark and tragic and has a cape but now he hates me OMG LET ME DIE."
Chip: "Well, okay, if you want... but didn't I bring up this exact thing when you first talked about having Christmas?"
Belle: "You know what Chip? You're right! He can't! I have no idea why I'm changing my mind so suddenly after someone pointed out an obvious fact that I was already aware of, but Christmas is ON, BABY!"
Chip: "You got problems, lady."
Of course Belle runs out into the woods and gets attacked by
|"I just... wanted to make you happy" OH SCREW YOU|
PATRON SAINT OF I-CAN-CHANGE-HIM
Then Beast reads the book, even though he says in the movie post-Christmas that he doesn't know how to read. Continuity is for LOSERS and DREAMWORKS, duhhhh. Do you want to be like that Will Smith Fish movie? No. No you do not.
|Weirdest reading PSA ever.|
Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Character Assassination