Friday, August 9, 2013

Disney Sequelester - Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas


Like Aladdin and the King of Thieves, I actually had a little bit of nostalgia for Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas. Unlike Aladdin and the King of Thieves is EVERYTHING ELSE.

Okay, before I really start ranting about oh, I don't know, EVERYTHING, let me give you the setup: It's December 24th and Belle wants to have Christmas and the Beast doesn't and his organ (...) has a big gay crush on him so the organ (named Maestro, voiced by mmmmmmmTim Curryyyyyyeeeeesssss) plots to assassinate Belle, despite his inability to, you know, move.

That is the plot. That is the entire plot.

The movie starts off with the framing device of that cute teacup Chip as a less-cute human boy running around annoying people in the palace on Christmas. Then Bert and Ernie get into their zillionth dick-measuring contest about whatever, and everyone begs Mrs. Potts to tell them the story of what happened exactly one year ago, even though all of them were around for it and as far as I can tell do not have Alzheimer's.

"NOW we will hear what REALLY happened" because we
all suffer from retrograde amnesia! But only enough so that
we know we don't know stuff!
Maestro is being mmmmmmmmSUBTLE in the basement (maybe?) of the palace, ranting on about how humanity is overrated and he's gayer than Jeremy Irons Scar could ever hope to be, blah blah blah. Belle goes out to skate, and runs into the Beast, who for some reason walks around on the ice directly outside. Maestro says, "In the midst of my crescendo, I thought I heard merriment outside my window!"

It's law in California that Tim Curry have an orgasm in every movie.
The script vomited some exposition in our faces about how Belle just got saved by the wolves so she's being guilt-nice to the Beast. Like way, way nicer than she ever is in the actual movie. She's all concerned when he snaps at her and then falls over, instead of being like, "Sweet, freedom is in my grasp, bash his head in with a skate and run!!!!!!"

Beast doesn't know how to ice skate so apparently this means he needs Christmas. I don't know. They go up to the attic to find the ONLY half-decent character in the entire movie. Angelique is the grumpiest spirit of decorating/Christmas ever, and she has an outraaaaaaaaaaaaaaageous frAINNNNNch accent.

Then Belle sings a song about the meaning of Christmas that, I can't lie, I had fond memories of. I had fond memories of it until I heard this:
there's more to this time of year than sleigh bells and holly
mistletoe and snow
those things come and go
much deeper than snow
stronger than the strongest love we'll know

Okay so my nostalgia is an idiot.

There's also a really, really bad song sung by Maestro that's almost a rap? "Love can take the greatest heart and make it tame. If you're turned on, then just turn off!" Uncomfortable and painful - bonus!

And then Belle writes Beast a book to reward him for dumping all over everybody. The song that accompanies this is kind of fascinating, because for some weird reason it references EVERYTHING, a practice that Disney isn't usually big on.

LITERAL Reading Rainbow!
A whole new world of emotional abuse!
Oh hey, Disney owns the copyright to Narnia.
Belle is writing this. Did I mention that? So I guess this
shows that Belle's canonical age is meant to be 13?
"Stories about heroes/who overcame their deepest sorrows"
Are you sure you want to match that myth with that lyric?
This scene also includes an entirely accurate representation of how books are written. You sing, and they fall out of the sky into your hands.

Did I mention the time span of this movie is two days?

Beast is downstairs (?) listening to Maestro make creepy innuendos at him, because I guess the Beast is into that. "She doesn't care about you, not like I do." I sure hope not. Then they have a simultaneous hallucination of the Christmas before and the creepy gets dialed up to 11. THIS IS NOT MY FAULT.

"Lumiere, you gave me a stupid storybook? You call this a
present?! You'd better have something better for me, Forte!"
"Ah, yes master, of course." Why is he blushing?
Of course, Forte has a song written ESPECIALLY FOR MASTER.

Christmas Creeptacular '18 is disturbed by a knock at the door! Who could it be? Ew, an ugly old hag. No, wait! It's... it's...
"I am the spirit of Jem. I am truly truly truly outrageous
and I'm going to punish all of your employees
for your bitchiness."
Belle wanders down (further down? across? up? I don't know, this castle's floorplan was designed by M.C. Escher) to the boiler room and meets a Jewish axe. I'm... I'm really not making this up.

But I wish I was. Oy gevalt!
While Belle is acting like an expert on Yule logs, Beast finds her and yells at her. He also informs her that "wishes are stupid". Who wrote this? I think whoever wrote this dialogue deserves to hear it... every. single. day. Anyway Beast screams at her that Christmas is LIKE SO OVER and Belle is like, "Whatever, you're damaged, I still love you and by still I mean SUDDENLY" and runs away.

Never before have my feelings been so aptly expressed by a boiler.
The teacup comes and finds Belle while she's doing that face-into-pillow thing that she did ONCE in the first movie, WHEN SHE'D JUST LOST EVERYTHING. They have the following conversation.

Chip: "Yay Christmas! I'm so excited about Christmas! If Christmas was canceled I'd murder everyone in their sleep!"
Belle: "Oh Chip, the Beast canceled Christmas. And he's so dark and tragic and has a cape but now he hates me OMG LET ME DIE."
Chip: "Well, okay, if you want... but didn't I bring up this exact thing when you first talked about having Christmas?"
Belle: "You know what Chip? You're right! He can't! I have no idea why I'm changing my mind so suddenly after someone pointed out an obvious fact that I was already aware of, but Christmas is ON, BABY!"
Chip: "You got problems, lady."

Of course Belle runs out into the woods and gets attacked by wolves ice and the Beast has to save her and then he's mad at her for running away and throws her in the dungeon.

"I just... wanted to make you happy" OH SCREW YOU
It's Angelique to the rescue, to save Belle from despair with a SONG, because we haven't had enough of those! (There's actually two songs in this sequence, but the other saps my will to live, so we'll ignore it. Just know there was an additional three minutes of my life wasted.) And I'm pretty sure they fall in love? Or something.

Then Beast reads the book, even though he says in the movie post-Christmas that he doesn't know how to read. Continuity is for LOSERS and DREAMWORKS, duhhhh. Do you want to be like that Will Smith Fish movie? No. No you do not.

Weirdest reading PSA ever.
Beast decides he likes Belle again and gets her out of the dungeon, Belle accepts all of this gratefully and in no way stabs him in the neck with an ice pick before fleeing with Angelique, and Maestro kills himselfmmmmmmyeeeesssssssss. In conclusion: Belle is a weeping pushover and Beast is horriawful.

Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Character Assassination


  1. Maestro is super creepy as a human. I think a scream of horror got caught in my throat.

    I'm glad I haven't seen this movie. Who thought a middle of the movie-movie was a good idea? The original was complete and whole all by itself. I tried to listen to that song, but it like wasn't any good so I couldn't finish it. Lol!

    1. It's surprising how few Disney sequels are actually sequels: there are a ton of prequels and midquels for some reason. And NO JOKE I mean usually Tim Curry is somewhat creepy but this goes above and beyond.