|The Little Mermaid II: Return to Pain|
No time to contemplate Ariel's matrimonial status (not now that my JOKE IS GONE, thanks a lot Jodi Benson) - the kingdoms of land and sea are both turning out to celebrate Melody's birth! Never has it been more useful that the king of France (btw is Prince Eric still a prince? Does his father plan to live forever? Why was Prince Eric a prince when his dad clearly wasn't around in the last movie? So many questions and not a drop to drink) chose to build his palace DIRECTLY ON TOP OF THE SHORELINE. *Note for those of you not as as obsessed with engineering as I am: this is like printing a book on an Etch-a-Sketch. Five out of four professionals agree you're an idiot if you do it.
|Saddam Hussein's architecture made more sense.|
The people of France seem to be taking the whole "mythical fishpeople are real" thing rather well. King Triton pops up and makes a rainbow because shut up he can do that for reasons. Question: If the merpeople have the power to change the weather, why aren't they ruling the entire globe? Prince Eric = Satrap Eric, I'm thinking.
|Also how the hell does he do this it's really bothering me I|
mean it doesn't look comfortable.
Since this movie's animation budget could only afford a population of about eight merpeople total, security sucks and... sigh... "Ursula's crazy sister", in Sebastian's words, shows up and yoinks Melody. She wants Triton's mighty trident, of course (insert dick joke here) (no I didn't actually forget to put one in) (what do you think I am, some kind of hack?). What Morgana actually needs the trident for is sort of unclear, but she's evil, whaddya want? Evil people don't need motivation to be evil. They steal candy from babies when they so much as order a sandwich at McEvil's.
Everyone just kind of stands there and stares from a distance going, "stop no please don't ahhh oh well" while Morgana tentacles her way around the ship with Melody. FINALLY Ariel decides to actually do something and grabs Eric's sword. She cuts a line in order to do that thing that is mandated by federal law to happen in every single movie with a ship in it, where the ballast swings around and hits the baddie.
|Prince Eric: "Ariel, no! People aren't allowed to DO THINGS|
in this movie!"
The baby is saved, but Morgana is far too wily for them by virtue of plot convenience, and she disappears, because now teleporting can happen.
Ariel completely reasonably decides that the only thing to do is to build a GIANT WALL around THE ENTIRE OCEAN to separate France from the shore, and not to tell Melody that merpeople exist, even though you'd think that would be a little hard to hide. I mean, this isn't exactly the kind of thing that people forget. If you met el chupacabra in a cave and then got separated from him by a cave-in, you wouldn't be like, "oh huh wonder what's for lunch", you'd be like, "OMG EL CHUPACABRA IS IN THAT DAMN CAVE."
|Proportionate Reactions: An Illustrated Guide|
12 years later there's a ball, because of course there is.
The ball is pretty hilarious because it has the cast numbers of your average ballet, which always looks post-apocalyptic. Melody gets asked to dance by the one hot guy there, but due to circumstances too stupid to explain, Sebastian is caught in the back of her dress and this ruins everything when he falls out. Everyone starts pointing and laughing, and her life is ruined.
|Treating your future ruler this way seems unwise.|
Ariel comes in to comfort Melody, saying, "Oh honey, everyone has trouble fitting in at your age. I know I did. I was a regular fish out of water." Okay, you know what? I think that I've identified the main difference between good Disney movies and crappy Disney sequels. It's that EPIC MOVIES DON'T PUN. If your movie has the words "tuna colada" in it, abandon all hope immediately. Also stop making movies.
Melody finds this locket Triton made for her, and it has her name on it. Because the kingdom has a population of about thirty people, Melody knows the locket belongs to her. When Ariel is a big ol' meanie, Melody runs away to a rowboat (that appeared out of nowhere), saying, "This necklace means something, and if nobody's gonna tell me about it, I'll find out myself." HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS.
In her cave, Morgana sits and plots... until this bubble pops up showing her exactly what Melody's doing.
|WHERE DID YOU GET THAT.|
Melody: "I was destined to be a mermaid? But that's impossible."
Morgana: "Darling, nothing's impossible!"
Melody: "You can turn me into a mermaid?!"
|HOW DID YOU GET THERE FROM HERE|
Eric and Ariel start looking for Melody. I do like how Eric actually tells Ariel he thinks she should go be the search party in the ocean while he heads up the search party on land.
|he's still doing that|
And if her hair was curly, that would mean something.
Meanwhile... HOLY HELL WHAT AHHHHHHHH NO
|THE EVERLOVING HELL?!?!?!|
|That's right. You should look ashamed.|
When it's gone, Sebastian exclaims, "But that's impossible! Nobody can remove the trident except you, sire... you or one of your descendants!" Well WAY TO PULL THAT RULE RIGHT OUT OF YOUR ASS.
|Oh for - THEY ARE RIGHT THERE LITERALLY YOU|
HAVE TO TURN YOUR HEAD LIKE EIGHTEEN DEGREES
Morgana and Ariel and Melody all meet up in Morgana's cave. Everyone in this movie is an idiot, as previously stated, so they bicker for like ten interminable minutes about who gets the trident and if Ariel should have told Melody her past and if the Cubs will lose again this year.
|Yo Morgana, the trident is, like, RIGHT THERE. You could|
just, you know, grab it. No? Okay that's cool I guess.
|Luckily Morgana really sucks at killing people.|
Eric's ship is somehow navigating through glaciers, because the Titanic has nothing on a Disney prince with floppy hair. King Triton has brought his entire army of five guards. Morgana yells some, people yell back, and nothing really gets accomplished.
Ariel is like "yep well done with being kidnapped now" and pushes Morgana's tentacles off her to go do other things. Melody (she has legs again now, I'd explain but it doesn't matter) clambers up and grabs the trident. Morgana COULD just grab it back with one of her zillion tentacles, but she doesn't because REASONS.
|YOU ARE LITERALLY TOUCHING IT|
|YOU DESERVE THIS|
|HE'S STILL DOING IT|
|"Things are better now/We sing together now/In perfect|
|And then all of the reindeer loved her.|
Occasionally you come across a movie so bad that it's hard to explain why it's bad, because it's just deeply wrong on a fundamental level. This is one of those movies. None of the characters have actual personalities; their actions serve only the demands of the plot, such as it is. The plot is ludicrous and based around a "i guess i want to rule the world or something MOO HA HA" villain. Characters know things they couldn't possibly know simply because the plot wants them to.
|I don't know what they're doing, but it doesn't look|