Monday, September 2, 2013

Top Ten Wedding DONT'S

Yes, wedding "don'ts"... from 1904.

This was a birthday present. Readers, I cackled. Best birthday present ever? And now I'm here for you to hold your hand through this tour guide of the mysterious realm of 1904. Ready?

1. Don't permit girls to form foolish ideas about men. A girl with brothers will make a wiser choice than one who has formed her ideas from heroes of fiction.

2. Don't wonder that free and easy parents often find their daughters remain unmarried. Man is a hunter who values his spoils in proportion to the difficulties overcome in the chase.

So buy some top-grade deer urine to pour over your daughter in order to aid Man in his hunt.

3. Don't scorn a bachelor girl who is living in independent fashion. It may prove amusing to divert her from anti-matrimonial theories.

Girls all want to be married and have babies. Lots of babies. ALL OF THE BABIES. ALL OF THEM.

4. Don't haunt a girl whose acquaintance you seek. There is a wide margin between accepting invitations in the hope of meeting her and walking past her house several times a day, or shadowing her in public places.


5. Don't bestow effusive attentions on your lover, nor boast of his devotion to you. It is good for him to see that other men are in the running.

Why, you saucy minx!

6. Don't deny later problems if you marry a man much younger than yourself. The advance of age will make you old while he remains in his prime. You may pray for death for release, or wear a wig and paint your face, but if you live long enough, both of you will suffer.

Wow, Matthew Lewis would just love this author.

7. Don't scoff at the older man who retains youth's vitality; many a girl would be proud to marry him.

PRAY FOR DEATH I SAY... Oh wait, old man, A+, would bone again.

8. Don't belittle the delicious insecurity preceding a Declaration of Love. It may be the ante-chamber to an earthly paradise. It may be a fool's paradise.

... I have no idea what this means!

9. Don't fail to ensure your lady understands that you are asking her to be your wife - she cannot urge you to be explicit.

She cannot urge you to be explicit because, as a woman, her tongue has been conveniently cut out already.

10. Don't trifle with your middle-aged fiancee by neglecting her for younger, fresher faces. Ease her burdens, and give her credit for managing so far to get through life without you.


  1. #s 6 and 7 back-to-back are especially eyeroll-worthy. Regardless of whether or not it's true, the snarker in me wants to say "Well, if many a girl would be proud to marry that old dude, why haven't they already?"

    1. They didn't appear back-to-back in the book, but it was utterly irresistible to put them that way on here.

  2. Wow...gotta say #10 is my fave. I don't know how women make it past 20 without getting married. I'm suffering so. I'm with Thea, putting 6 & 7 back to back was brilliant. Especially because those 70 year old men who retain that "youthful swag" are so irresistible and not at all creepy or gross when they hit on women young enough to be their granddaughters. Or daughters. Or anyone under 55.