Anyway, in spite of being a pretty die-hard Disney fan as these things go, I loathe the sidekicks. Yes, all of them (except Iago, who probably doesn't even count). Not only that, but I've actually always loathed the sidekicks. I know they put the Mushus and Terks and Flounders in to appease dumb little brats being babysat by Auntie TV, but even as a kid I hated them. I wanted drama, dammit, not Genie constantly barging in to break any interesting tension like the freaking Kool-Aid man.
Welcome to DISNEY SIDEKICKS: THE MOVIE.
|Pictured: Something definitely|
So at some point, someone up at Disney Co. patted the cryogenically frozen head of their fearless leader and said, "Walt, you know what the company needs? It needs to take one of our most epic and beloved movies and MST3K it from the point of view of the painfully annoying sidekicks."
Walt was silent, as most cryo-heads are, and the movie was made.
Let's get this straight: I love MST3K. I mean, c'mon, obviously, how am I even spending my life right now. My Dad introduced me to it when I was in middle school, I infected all my little buddies, and I've sort of lost track of where I was going with this, but the point is that if you think this sounds like an awesome idea, it's not.
Here's the problem - no, you know what, I'm not going to use my words on this one, because I'm pretty sure I can sum up the problem with this movie in one picture.
Besides the fact that The Lion King 1 1/2 takes a truly excellent movie and dumps all over it, there's also the undeniable fact that this movie is about nothing. And I do mean nothing.
I hate prequels in general, particularly of the time-travel variety (looking at you, MIB3), which this movie essentially is. I dislike prequels because the whole concept of a prequel destroys tension from the onset. The audience knows what is going to happen, and that means that the journey better be a hell of a ride.
This movie is roughly split into three parts: Timon sucks at being a meerkat. Timon and Pumba on House Hunters: Savanna. Timon and Pumba follow the events of the movie, only with more dumb jokes instead of memorable songs and epic moments.
And that's it. That... is it. We watch The Lion King, Timon and Pumba make fart jokes and destroy the gravity of the original scenes, and we end up right where we came from, except with a new and heavy weight on our souls.
|Timon daydreaming about the paradise he wants to live in.|
Wow, it's almost like this scene is ENTIRELY POINTLESS
since we've already SEEN HIM THERE.
MST3K-ing only works when there's something to comment on. Film is a visual medium, and if it shows you everything, it doesn't need to explain every last minute detail out loud. Not only that, but The Lion King is a technically excellent movie. I mean sure, you could MST3K Fight Club or The Godfather, but who would watch it? Who would want to? What would you gain from it, other than a deep and abiding headache?